I for a long time despised femininity and anything soft. I lead with my masculinity and was damn proud of it. In the corporate world I was a masculine chick in heels with a lot of accomplishments and did not feel I needed to be more feminine, where was that going to take me? I was in the world of the masculine after all. I felt my gender as a female was enough. Until I found out how much suffering denying myself my own femininity was causing in my relationships, business and in MYSELF. I felt the earthquake within of MY femininity rising.
Pain runs deep in the bloodline of the feminine
There was so much anger and sadness that came with the women in my life. The female side was not one that was talked about with light and airiness. Once I got older I understood why I had developed this idea about females. My Dads mom abandoned 7 kids to go with another man and that’s to say it nicely amongst the other things that happened. My Moms Mom did not raise her, she abandoned her but stuck around to raise her two sons. So needless to say the feminine part of my bloodline needed some repair and healing for sure.
The lack of nurture and abandonment was missing for both of my parents. They did their best with me and I know I sparked a lot of their unhealed trauma unto them. I was by no means an “easy” kid. I definitely was not to be tamed. They didn’t abandon me but I did feel at times they didn’t know how to nurture me. If they nurtured me they would have to accept the part of them that still needed nurture and I’m not sure they knew how or were ready to. The compassion came later on in life where I understood and I accepted the role I came here to play. I accepted that my parents did the best they could and did not love me less.
No Ancestors allowed in my journey
I did not want anything to do with my ancestors once I started this spiritual journey. What for? I know what they did! I figured I would find a new way of doing things on my own. So I denied them throughout my spirituality up until 2 weeks ago. I felt I needed to keep my self safe from them and not repeat the mistakes of their past. I was angry and bitter about my families past and did a lot of finger pointing.
"My Mom could have been nicer if her Mom stuck around!"
"So and so wouldn’t be so f** up if Dads Mom wouldn’t have left her kids for another man."
"Why didn’t Grandpa fight for his woman, fight to the death for his family."
This is all that would go through my head when talking about Ancestors so I just put them in a corner of not belonging, it was easier.
Being a mother now I can’t even fathom doing the shit they did. How could one not fight for their kids or family! I understand that in certain circumstances you have to leave and I found my self in that with the relationship with my first borns father. It was a must to leave, but even though I left I still made my son my priority. How could they not have? The anger grew stronger towards them as this fire burned in me.
Femininity has been portrayed as weak and gives up. This is something I refuse to be is weak, a person who gives up, I will fight to the death for my children to make sure they know they were always first. My love for them was and is the driving force in this life.
Blinded by pain
I didn’t know how much my my anger and finger pointing blinded me from seeing more. How did I think all my ancestors were just 3 people?? That’s how much I was blinded by hurt! The deeper I embarked on my healing journey I started to see “their” story play out in front of me for 3 years! I had my “AHA” moment and I found my puzzle piece. I knew in my heart that I wanted to meet my Ancestors on sacred ground, where the majority of my “good” ancestors would be able to hold space for the ones that still needed light.
Trip to the Red Rocks of freedom
So I went to Sedona, AZ. A few days prior to arriving the work had already started. Confirmations everywhere, eves dropping on peoples conversations and then a heart to heart convo with my friend I went with on the 2 hour drive getting into Sedona. I felt like a huge human puzzle piece was being put together right before my eyes! So much info and I had not even arrived to my destination.
The first night I arrived I looked up and had a massive star just twinkling in front of me. The night is so much more visible there than here in LA, but amongst all the stars this one was literally calling out my name! I took out my star map and I saw that it wasn’t a star but a planet. The planet Venus, the almighty planet of the Divine Feminine. Coincidence? I think not.
The next day I had day 1 of my 2 day retreat for deep soul healing that would lead up to my bloodline. A lot of tears shed and I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I had no idea how much I carried in my body debts and stories of my past as well as my families stuff. I started to release and release seeing and feeling how much this was weighing down one me and was not allowing “Monica” to shine. The stories started to get in the way of what actually was truth.
Day two was magical and transformative. Mind you I did not clear and have an epiphany in just two days. This has been 3 years of me going deep and in this healing process that all that came up in these two days were remnants that I needed assistance with and the sacred ground to do so in.
I met with a Medicine Woman that was in session with me for my DNA light activation and to assist with my ancestors. Within the first five minutes she told me,” There are three people here to talk to you. Should I let them through or not?” I asked.” Who?” Already knowing in my head who it was. She said,” A woman and two men, she says she’s your Grandma.” I burst into tears and she spoke to them some more without speaking out loud. She said,” You have some questions and want clarification?’ I said, “yes”.
What she told me next left me stunned. I felt like I opened something I should not have and when you seek truth, you better be ready to hear it and accept it.
“You’re not ready for the truth. The story is not what It seems” the Medicine Woman said.
“We need to clear your field first and then we can go into that after, not now” she said.
We went into a deep, deep meditation for about two hours. I experienced my past lives, this life, tears, laughter, sadness and most importantly TRUTH!
I met with my guide, my past self as well as my Ancestors. They have been waiting for me and they have been in dire need of love. This story that has been playing out is oldddddd! It is of the Feminine being weak, trouble makers and betrayal. It is thousands of years old on my Moms side and Dads side. I come from a powerful line of spiritual healers, Shamans, and Medicine Women( but not always used for good).
I felt pain in denying them access in the past and saying that I did not want anything to do with them. To see them all in front of me, I asked myself “ how did I not allow them in and push them away when all they wanted was light and forgiveness”?
The pain and suffering came from me denying myself a piece of myself! They are me and I am them. They are not perfect and did what they could with what they had. How much of the stuff I have done have I not forgiven my self for? So the rabbit hole grew deeper. I understood that we don’t know the story and the circumstances they were in. I’m not condoning, but I was judging. I preach in this lifetime that all deserve a second chance regardless of their story. How was I or my ancestors exempt from this?
So big “AHA’S” and they all reflected back to me in this life. To forgive yourself is to forgive others and understand that I am not perfect and never will be ,therefore I can’t judge.
I learned that they have paved the way. I inherit the wisdom from their mistakes, triumphs and joys. It is because of them I know what not to repeat and what I need to have live on as legacy.
Certain people in my family chose these roles as “villains” to bring about change. This was their role on earth. I did not know to what extent these people had to choose these roles to play things out in this life to break years and years of suffering and bring balance once and for all. Understanding that was just a story and no longer exists, only the now.
Use the mystical arts wisely and for the greater good of all.
To be the best Mother to my children.
Through me my ancestors get to be and experience how it is to put their children first. To care and nurture them. I am them, they are me.
The strength of the feminine role and no longer put it down, but understand it.
The importance of the care and nurture of the Masculine in my life, my husband.
The feminine role is not be tamed. She is to be the wild woman she came here to be on Earth.
After the ceremony I felt free. Shackles were lifted off of my feet and I was able to be free. Who set me free? I did! In setting them free and casting love to all of them I set myself free!
The medicine woman asked, “ are you ready to know the real story now?”
I said, “ No, because it doesn’t matter. It was just a story.”
My anger was keeping me in my own jail of suffering. It was keeping me from seeing the light IN EVERY HUMAN BEING THAT HAS EXISTED AND IS EXISTING ON EARTH. I have a choice in this life and it is to inherit the wisdom from my ancestors or to keep the story playing. I chose to stop it here and I am and damn proud of it!
I learned to accept my self for who I am. My childhood was perfect, it was in perfect design to bring about change. In my eyes it wasn’t pretty or what I expected it to be like but my soul chose to experience a change that was going to last for years to come. I just need to experience what I needed to for the polarity. Change is not easy and is definitely not comfortable. My soul chose this character and now after 31 years I know why .
Feminine is STRENGTH!
I chose to be the rebel and question. I chose to stand up for what is right. I chose to speak up. I chose to detour what seemed like an ocean unto another path. A true Indigo at heart.